I saw this a few years ago and thought it was broadly
informative.
An interesting conversation picked up on Reddit this week
when a user posted the following question to people with disabilities: “What is
something that we (presumably people without disabilities) do that we think
helps, but it really doesn’t?” In just a day, more than 9,000 comments rolled
in, and people living with all types of health conditions — from physical
disabilities to developmental delays to invisible illnesses — offered a lot of
great insight.
If you’re unfamiliar with what it’s like to live with a health condition, you
may not even realize when you’re not actually being that helpful. (That’s OK
because that’s where we come in). According to Redditors, here are eight common
mistakes people make when they’re trying to help:
1. Helping without asking.
“I love when people help me, but please always ask first,
and if I say, ‘No thanks, I’ve got it,’ then go on with your day. Or better
yet, strike up a conversation!”
“A friend of a friend of mine who [uses a wheelchair] told
us how people constantly offer to push her to her destination, and often times
go to start push (sic) her along. One person said, ‘I’m helping!’ as he started
pushing her in her chair. She yelled back, ‘No, you’re kidnapping!!’ He
stopped.”
2. Changing the way you talk.
“A wheelchair doesn’t make someone hard of hearing. Or
stupid. Stop acting like it does.”
“I’m hearing impaired (or hard of hearing, as the Deaf
community prefers to put it). Do. Not. Yell at top volume, reeeaaaaaallllllly
painfully slow. Just like it isn’t going to help a Spanish person understand
the English you are speaking, it’s going to make you look real stupid to me…
and everyone else we are around. It might work for you with Grandma, but I’m
not your granny. Face me so I can read your lips, speak sharp and speak clear
and we cool.”
“Don’t bend down to my level to talk to me, I can hear you
perfectly well, and it’s incredibly demeaning.”
“I have an autism spectrum disorder… Just talk to me like
you would anyone else, and if I need something explained to me, I will ask.
It’s that simple.”
3. Saying “But you don’t look [disabled, sick, etc.]”
“‘But you don’t look sick.’ ‘Well you don’t look like a
doctor, but that’s just my opinion.’”
“The thing is, people without visible disabilities… often
hear ‘But you don’t look sick’ as an excuse for the person saying it to not
take the condition seriously or not give proper accommodations. In those cases
it’s not a compliment, it’s an accusation. It happens way more often than you’d
expect, and since it’s not just annoying but often an obstacle to actually
getting the help needed to get on with your life, it gets old fast.”
4. Feeling sorry.
“I don’t want to be pitied for something I can’t do anything
about. It makes me feel less human/inferior.”
“Pity is condescending, it ignores a person’s talents,
relationships, accomplishments and joys and paints them as nothing more than a
thing that suffers.”
5. Offering medical advice.
“My husband has chronic migraines. I can’t tell you the
number of times someone suggests f**king Excedrin. ‘Oh really? I’ve lived with
migraines for 20 years and I never thought to try over-the-counter Excedrin!
Tell me more about how it helped you with a really bad headache once.’”
“Someone told me cashews could cure depression. I… may not
have been the most tactful in my response.”
“Believe me, unless you are a researcher who specializes in
my condition, you probably don’t know more about treatments than me.”
6. Calling a person “inspiring” or “brave.”
“I laugh when people call me an inspiration. If they only
knew. No Hallmark movies to be made about me anytime soon. lol”
“This! I’m being praised for going to university and doing
normal random everyday stuff.What am I supposed to do, sit on my ass all day
and wait to die?”
“There’s nothing brave or strong about it. I exist. My
strength and courage comes from what I do. Not what I am.”
7. Shrugging off an illness you can’t see.
“I have a chronic pain condition. Please don’t tell me it’s
all in my head. Everything we experience, we experience through the brain. Of
course it’s in my head.”
“Just because someone looks OK to you, doesn’t mean you
should treat them like they’re faking it.”
8. Avoiding eye contact or keeping your questions to
yourself.
“I have some form of Tourette’s syndrome. I love questions.
Questions show concern and interest, and that is (for me at least) infinitely
more preferable than awkward tension.”
“I only have one eye. Look, I already know I look different.
I understand that your kid is curious. That’s a good thing. Let me answer their
questions. They can learn something and find out that I’m still a nice guy even
though I look different. Don’t make them feel afraid to talk to people who
don’t look exactly like them.”
But remember, everyone is different.
“Many of the things that some people don’t want could
likewise be things others might welcome. The point is, everyone is different
and has different needs and feelings about their situation in life. My advice
is engage in a conversation and ask if there is anything you can do. If the
answer is yes, help. If the answer is no, fine. This applies to everyone — not
just those people with a clear physical impairment.”